Deprivation and Disruption: The Development of Narcissistic Wounds and Toxic Masculinity in Chinese Culture

Introduction

Feminism has gained significant momentum in China in recent years (Chen, 2008)[1], often sparking impassioned discussions about gender-related issues. These conversations frequently garner widespread attention on social media platforms, occasionally taking on extreme dimensions. It is well-known that in China, as an Asian country, significant gender disparities and discrimination persist, especially in rural areas. In recent years, women have only just begun to awaken to gender consciousness. This may have contributed to an increase in gender-related phenomena.

In light of this cultural shift, I have chosen to incorporate relevant materials from these debates to examine the topic of toxic masculinity and narcissism in contemporary Chinese society. However, in this essay, I want to emphasize that toxic masculinity is not only a sociological issue but also a psychological one. Toxic masculinity is, to a large extent, a matter of male narcissistic wounds. Although it might be difficult to believe at first glance, given the considerable privileges enjoyed by men in Chinese society, this fact also serves as evidence that the patriarchal system oppresses and deprives men as well.

In this essay, I argue that toxic masculinity is not only a phenomenon greatly influenced by social culture but also a manifestation of certain narcissistic traits, as previously discussed. From the perspective of self-psychology (Wolf, 1988)[2], these traits can be traced back to early narcissistic wounds. In the following sections of the essay, I will first compare the similarities between toxic masculinity and narcissistic traits, then delve into the relevant theories in psychoanalysis, and finally apply them to examine the formation of narcissistic wounds and their subsequent influence on the development of toxic masculinity in Chinese males.

Before delving into the analysis, I would like to clarify certain Chinese-translated vocabulary that will be used throughout this essay:

• 直男癌 (zhí nán ái) - This term translates to "straight male cancer" and is equivalent to the concept of toxic masculinity in the Western context.

• 普信男 (pǔ xìn nán) - This phrase refers to an "ordinary but confident male," often used to describe individuals who, despite their ordinariness, exhibit narcissistic traits due to their male gender expression.

The term "普信男" (pǔ xìn nán) first gained prominence when female stand-up comedian Yang Li used it as a satirical jab at the male mindset. After this, the term became incredibly widespread and sparked nationwide discussions among individuals of all genders. While many women found the term relatable, accurate, and satisfyingly candid, men often perceived it as humiliating and offensive. Some even created self-media content to counter the narrative. In this essay, I will use this phenomenon as an example to delve into the issue of toxic masculinity and narcissism in detail.

In addition to the aforementioned social issue, my interest in this topic has also been sparked by two factors:

My clinical work with Chinese male patients - It is widely acknowledged, albeit sometimes informally or jokingly, that male patients tend to exhibit more narcissistic traits, while female patients are more likely to display borderline tendencies. To some extent, I find this observation to be true. Many of my Chinese male patients face immense pressure from their families due to their status as the only or eldest son, both in terms of career and marriage.

This often results in a psychological profile that resembles a typical narcissistic patient, as described by Kohut (1971)[3]. These patients often engage in conversations about abstract knowledge and frequently bring their own psychoanalytic understanding to the sessions. This behavior leaves little room for me, as a therapist, to contribute or intervene. At times, they may even prevent me from speaking, while they continue to enjoy their "performance." These individuals typically require a considerable amount of mirroring and validation in the therapeutic process. Even when individuals achieve relatively high academic and career performance, it never seems to be "enough" for them, as they constantly strive to learn new things and compete with others. This insatiable drive for success and recognition can be a significant source of stress and dissatisfaction for these individuals. They often exert a great deal of effort in their pursuits; however, these endeavors frequently lead to a sense of unfulfillment or stagnation, rather than the desired outcome or satisfaction.

Additionally, these patients frequently exhibit the "false self" characteristic mentioned by Winnicott (1960)[4], which makes it difficult for them to relate to their own emotions, resulting in feelings of emptiness. They often resort to performative behaviors to manipulate others and may feel constantly under surveillance. In particular, I find that David Foster Wallace's fictional work "The Pale King" (Wallace, 2011)[5] captures the experience of feeling like a fraud throughout one's life, even during treatment. This portrayal resonates strongly within the context of the psychological struggles faced by individuals grappling with toxic masculinity and narcissism.

My own gender identity as a genderqueer - Before engaging in discussions with my therapist, I often felt confused about certain narcissistic traits that I exhibited or experienced. Through these conversations, I came to understand how my parents had unconsciously raised me as a boy and pressured me with similar high expectations typically reserved for males. Due to China's specific historical context, such as the promotion of gender equality after the foundation of New China, females sometimes face similar pressures and expectations as males. This situation may also contribute to the fact that some individuals, like myself, experience very high demands from their parents, regardless of their gender. Working with patients and exploring this topic has also helped me gain a better understanding of my own experiences. This personal connection further motivates my exploration of the relationship between toxic masculinity and narcissism.

I would also like to express my sincere gratitude to my supervisor, Thomas Byrne, who has not only facilitated my work with such patients through the self-psychology framework but has also provided invaluable support by serving as my own selfobject. Engaging with him has been therapeutic for me, and his ideas have significantly contributed to the development of this essay.

Narcissistic Traits and Toxic Masculinity

In this section of the essay, I aim to illustrate that the toxic masculinity characteristics prevalent in social and cultural contexts are strikingly similar to the narcissistic traits observed in males. These behaviors not only perpetuate traditional gender roles but also mirror the traits commonly associated with narcissism.

Toxic masculinity, a term used to describe the harmful and restrictive cultural norms associated with traditional male gender roles, can manifest in various ways, including through the phenomenon known as 直男癌 (zhí nán ái) or 普信男 (pǔ xìn nán) in Chinese culture. This concept encompasses a range of behaviors exhibited by men who adhere to traditional, rigid gender norms, such as asserting dominance, displaying aggression, and possessing an unyielding need for control. These men often exhibit an inability to recognize and respect the autonomy and individuality of others, particularly women, leading to objectification and the perpetuation of gender inequality. Within the context of Chinese culture, this form of toxic masculinity exacerbates existing social issues and creates additional barriers for both men and women in their pursuit of gender equality and healthy, fulfilling relationships.

The manifestation of toxic masculine manners refers to the way in which society often romanticizes, normalizes, or even glorifies behaviors associated with toxic masculinity. These manners, which include hyper-aggressiveness, emotional suppression, and an exaggerated need for control and dominance, are often presented as the ideal image of manhood in popular culture, media, and traditional social norms. This manifestation can lead to the internalization and acceptance of these behaviors as the norm, both by men who exhibit these traits and by those who interact with them. Consequently, it perpetuates a cycle of toxic masculinity that negatively impacts not only men but also women and the broader society.

As previously discussed, it is evident that Chinese males, to some extent, tend to exhibit narcissistic traits, both in daily life and during therapy. In daily life, this might manifest in behaviors associated with 普信男 (pǔ xìn nán), such as a desire to be in control of everything, an inclination to assert dominance in various situations, or a willingness to teach others how to do things "right". These behaviors may unintentionally result in a passive attack and devaluation process for those around them. As awareness of gender equality and independence has grown in recent years, these actions can make people, especially women, feeling increasingly uncomfortable.

In relationships with such males, it is easy to feel controlled or objectified because they lack the ability to engage in object usage, as described by Newman (1988)[6]. They can only relate to others through object-relating functions, indicating that they are not mature enough to see others as individual persons. This level of maturity typically develops at the beginning of life when an infant moves past the omnipotent phase or the phase of absolute dependency, as defined by Winnicott, and begins to recognize that their mother is an individual person.

In therapy, male patients may exhibit similar and typical narcissistic traits by talking at the therapist instead of engaging in a genuine dialogue. They might struggle to recognize that the therapist is an individual with their own thoughts and feelings and may attempt to control the therapist with an "omnipotent gesture," (Newman, 2013)[7] reminiscent of an infant trying to control their mother. In these situations, the therapist's primary role is to provide the selfobject function, as described by Kohut, rather than being present as a separate and individual mind.

In fact, the strong and overly reactive anger from males in response to the 普信男 (pǔ xìn nán) phenomenon can be understood as "narcissistic rage," (Kohut, 1972)[8] a concept also derived from Kohut. This reaction stems from a narcissistic wound, where anger serves as a defense mechanism to shield against feelings of shame and humiliation, ultimately protecting the fragile self.

As we can see, all these characteristics and behaviors within a social gender context, while being narcissistic traits, can also be interpreted as signs of toxic masculinity, such as the expectation to suppress emotions, display aggression, and dominate over others, particularly women. These norms can negatively impact both men and women, leading to a range of issues such as gender inequality, mental health problems, and unhealthy relationships. By examining these behaviors through the lens of toxic masculinity, we can gain a deeper understanding of the interplay between social constructs and psychological processes.

Narcissism-Related Theories in Psychoanalysis

Freud

What is relevant in psychoanalytic literature, in this context, is Freud's seminal text "On Narcissism." (Freud, 1914)[9] As the first to discuss this psychological phenomenon, Freud laid the foundation for future discussions of narcissism within psychoanalysis. Although he believed that narcissistic individuals could not be treated due to their inability to develop transference or establish love for an object, his work significantly influenced later theorists, including Kohut, whose theories on narcissism built upon Freud's initial concepts.

In this work, Freud proposed the existence of two types of narcissism: primary and secondary. Primary narcissism is a normal developmental stage where an infant initially experiences themselves as the center of their world. Secondary narcissism occurs when an individual directs their libido (sexual energy) back towards themselves, rather than towards others.

Freud's theory of narcissism can be linked to the idea of a narcissistic wound, as the development of secondary narcissism may be a defense mechanism in response to such wounds. By redirecting their libido towards themselves, individuals with narcissistic wounds can protect their fragile self-esteem from further injury. This self-absorption can manifest in various ways, such as seeking constant praise, exhibiting grandiose behavior, or being overly sensitive to criticism.

Klein

Even though Klein never directly addresses narcissism, her work is highly relevant as it closely relates to early deprivation, which in turn affects the core self and one's sense of self-worth. Emotional deprivation, envy, and frustration experienced early on can lead to a fragile sense of self and an excessive reliance on external validation.

Envy plays a significant role in understanding the development of narcissistic traits and behaviors, as it is rooted in the earliest experiences of frustration and deprivation that shape an individual's self-worth. Klein's writings on envy explore ambition and the destructive, unconscious feelings of envy that arise from early childhood experiences (Klein, 1957)[10]. These feelings can manifest as ambition and competitive drives later in life, highlighting the role of envy in shaping the complex dynamics involved in narcissism and toxic masculinity.

Winnicott

One of Winnicott's key concepts is the idea of the "true self" and the "false self." The true self represents an individual's authentic feelings, needs, and desires, while the false self is a defensive facade created to protect the true self from emotional harm. When an infant's caregiver fails to provide a sufficiently nurturing and supportive environment, the infant may develop a false self to protect their vulnerable true self from further emotional injury.

The false self structure can arise from interruptions to the phase of absolute dependency, which occurs in the early stages of life when an infant is entirely dependent on their primary caregiver (usually the mother) for all their needs, including physical, emotional, and psychological care. As a result, the development of a healthy sense of self is disrupted.

In this context, a narcissistic wound can be seen as a consequence of the development of a false self in response to early caregiving failures (Winnicott, 1956)[11]. The individual may develop narcissistic traits, such as grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, as a way to maintain their false self and protect their true self from further emotional harm.

Kohut

Kohut's self psychology theory emphasizes the importance of selfobject experiences in early childhood, in which the caregiver helps the child develop a sense of self by providing mirroring, idealization, and twinship experiences. If these selfobject experiences are insufficient, the child may suffer from narcissistic wounds, leading to the development of narcissistic traits and behaviors as a defense mechanism against these emotional injuries.

Based on self psychology, the controlling and oppressive aspects of toxic masculinity can be understood as manifestations of a "merger hunger personality." Individuals with this personality type use their selfobjects to solidify their self-structure, resulting in such kinds of behaviors.

The Complex Layers of Narcissistic Wounds in Chinese Males

The Impact of Transgenerational Trauma

Chinese people, like many others around the world, have experienced significant transgenerational trauma in the past 100 years due to war, famine, political turmoil, and various other hardships. All of these factors have contributed to an intense feeling of insecurity, scarcity, and even physical survival challenges due to dangerous environments and limited resources. This context is a crucial factor in understanding the Chinese psychological representation associated with competition and hard work.

It is not unusual for Chinese children born between the 1970s and 1990s to be educated with the mentality of "work hard or you will be sweeping streets when you grow up." This somewhat peculiar but common belief instills in Chinese people the fantasy that if they don't work hard, they won't be able to support themselves financially and will be devalued and disrespected in society. This mindset highlights the importance placed on hard work and the potential consequences of not meeting societal expectations. Furthermore, it reinforces the perception of a highly competitive environment with limited resources, which can greatly impact individuals' psychological well-being and development.

The feelings of insecurity and scarcity can be seen as a primary fantasy in which the infant believes that there is no room for them to survive within their mother's mind. This notion suggests that being protected and cared for is not a natural right, but something that must be fought for relentlessly. This idea is closely connected to Klein's concept of the paranoid-schizoid position and the notion of envy.

The real-life scarcity in turn leads to a constant psychological hunger for the mother's love. However, in this situation, the mother is often unable to provide the love and support the child needs due to her own traumatic experiences. This creates a psychologically "dead mother" as André Green (2002)[12] names it, where the child is left without the emotional nourishment they desperately seek.

This creates a transgenerational cycle of narcissistic wounds being passed down. As we see, Chinese parents usually have their own narcissistic wounds, making it easy for them to treat their child as an extension of themselves and use them as a tool to satisfy their own narcissistic needs.

Because the child is expected to fulfill the insatiable psychological hunger of their parents, they will never truly succeed in meeting those expectations. This constant struggle inevitably sacrifices the child's self-esteem. As Yichi Zhang (personal communication) describes, it is almost as if there is a "dead parent" inside them that can never be revived or satisfied, perpetuating a cycle of unattainable goals and diminished self-worth.

Considering this context, it is reasonable to conclude that most Chinese individuals experience a primary narcissistic wound during infancy, not due to a mere survival image but rather the paranoid mindset present in their mothers and ancestors.

The Objectification of Male Children in Traditional Societies

The situation is worse for males, especially in the countryside, as it is intertwined with traditional beliefs and expectations for men. In communities where the collective culture dominates and families are not differentiated enough into core units, men are expected to be the primary support for the entire family, especially if they are the firstborn or only son.

In a way, within this context, the son is objectified himself, which is not uncommon in traditional societies. This objectification serves to elevate his value in the social hierarchy and bring significant benefits to the whole family. Naturally, this situation can contribute to the development of a false self character, as the child is expected to take on the role of a caretaker for the mother and fulfill the parents' narcissistic needs as a tool.

Additionally, this dynamic places the child in two extremes: on one hand, his true self is not considered important, and his wants and needs are deemed irrelevant. On the other hand, his false self appears to be of utmost importance, even essential for the mother's survival. This dichotomy helps explain the key traits of thin-skinned narcissists who simultaneously experience extremely low self-esteem and feelings of devaluation while also displaying narcissistic tendencies and an inclination to devalue others.

The high expectations placed upon male children can also be understood as a continuous devaluation of their self-worth, as they are constantly pushed to meet unrealistic standards and judged against those expectations. This adds a secondary layer of narcissistic wounds, compounding the initial and primary wound that stems from feeling unwanted by the mother in the first place.

Chinese Family Structures

While the traditional Chinese value system of 重男轻女 (prioritizing men over women) is widely spread, it is important to recognize that it also harms men by placing a heavy burden on them to uphold their family's social standing, often at the cost of their individuality and well-being.

It is notable how Chinese parents stress their sacrifices for their children, especially for their sons, particularly from the mother. After birth, male children become the center of the family, with their value highly emphasized. Culturally, females are expected to devote themselves to their families and sons, which can be seen as a masochistic trait, leading to passive aggression and devaluation of the son. This can also make it difficult for the son to separate from the mother, resulting in phenomena like the 妈宝男 (mama's boy) syndrome. Males tend to feel guilty for their achievements, separation, and even their own needs, adding another layer to the masochistic traits and self-attacks, compounding the primary narcissistic wound.

Furthermore, in recent years, the typical Chinese family structure often consists of an intrusive mother and an absent father. As we have already discussed, an intrusive mother can harm the son's self-value and hinder separation. The absence of a father deprives the son of an idealized object, which is also considered a narcissistic wound by Kohut (1977)[13]. This lack of idealization can lead to a tendency to strive to be the idealized object oneself, creating an additional layer of pressure and potentially contributing to the development of narcissistic traits.

Understanding the Complex Emotions of Narcissistic Wounds

The core feelings associated with a narcissistic wound involve shame, humiliation, and devaluation. These feelings arise internally and are not solely dependent on external reactions. The sense of being unwanted and unwelcome, or even lacking the right to exist, exacerbates these emotions. At its worst, one may feel ashamed just for being themselves or for having certain feelings, as these emotions are considered inappropriate or unacceptable. This internal struggle further complicates the individual's emotional experience and sense of self.

However, behind this shame lies a deep and powerful anger, or even hatred, that one might find very difficult to access. One reason for this difficulty is that the intensity of these emotions can be overwhelming and potentially dangerous to confront, as it serves to protect the object of the anger. Klein's theories on aggression towards the object become particularly relevant in this context, as they help to explain the complex relationship between shame and underlying anger.

Conclusion

All of the phenomena discussed here, including transgenerational trauma, the prioritization of males, the objectification of sons, the high expectations placed on male children, and Chinese family structures, all evoke early deprivation, disrupt the mirroring and idealized selfobject needs for Chinese males and provide them with a false self-character. As we have discussed before, these disruptions can lead to narcissistic wounds and related toxic masculinity manifestations.

References

[1] Chen, Yijun. "Feminism in China: A History of Ideas and Practice." Signs: Journal of Women in Culture and Society, vol. 34, no. 2, 2008, pp. 361-384.

[2] Wolf, E. S. (1988). Treating the Self: Elements of

Clinical Self Psychology. Guilford Press.

[3] Kohut, H. (1971). The Analysis of the Self: A Systematic Approach to the Psychoanalytic Treatment of Narcissistic Personality Disorders. University Of Chicago Press.

[4] Winnicott, D. W. (1960). Ego distortion in terms of true and false self. In The Maturational Process and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development (pp. 140-152). Hogarth Press.

[5] Wallace, D. F. (2011). The Pale King. Little, Brown and Company.

[6] Newman, K. M., Kligerman, C. & Terman, D. M. (1988) Countertransference: Its Role in Facilitating the Use of the Object. Annual of Psychoanalysis 16:251-276

[7] Newman, K. M. (2013) A More Usable Winnicott. Psychoanalytic Inquiry 33:59-68

[8] Kohut, H. (1972) Thoughts on Narcissism and Narcissistic Rage. Psychoanalytic Study of the Child 27:360-400

[9] Freud, S. (1914). On narcissism: An introduction. Standard Edition, 14, 67-102.

[10] Klein, M. (1957). Envy and gratitude and other works, 1946-1963. Hogarth Press.

[11] Winnicott, D. W. (1956). Primary maternal preoccupation. In Collected papers: Through paediatrics to psychoanalysis (pp. 300-305). Routledge.

[12] Green, A. (2002). The dead mother. Free Association Books.

[13] Kohut, H. (1977). The Restoration of the Self. International Universities Press.

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